it's 0909 today. this morning as mama walk to work, i suddenly remember that it was exactly 365 days ago when i found out about you!
i had not been feeling right for a few days. but i was not too convinced that i would be pregnant so soon, because we have only just started casually trying and we have a trip to germany planned for the following week ... on 0909, i thought i might give those pregnancy tester stick a try. when i got to the drugstore, there were so many brands, prices from $30 to over $100. for split of a second, i wanted to go for the cheap one, me being so famous for my price consciousness. but NO - i ended up at the cashier with the $30 one PLUS the $100 one, hahahaha. when i got home, i rushed into the toilet, sat there, idle and blank. do i wanna find out???????? i didn't know. i felt confused and lost. is it too soon? are we ready to be parents? will we have enough money to give our child a good future????????
i didn't open the pack. i avoided thinking by watching tv and reading books all afternoon. i did this from 2pm til around 730pm. then i was at the toilet again, this time ripping off the package and following the instruction before i change my mind..... on paper, it says it takes 10 minutes for results to show. so tick-tock-tick-tock and after just ONE MINUTE, a red line came rushing out. A RED LINE. POSITIVE. CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE PREGNANT!
i didn't know what to think. i can't believe i wasn't particularly happy or excited. i then recall all the sashimi and beers and sake that i crazily had on a trip to tokyo the previous week ... o gosh ... i might have just made this baby an alcoholic ... and all the germs that might be inside the baby already from the raw fish ....
then your papa came home - he's home a bit late that day 'cos he was on a business trip to Guangzhou. as we started having dinner, he was chatty as usual about the happenings of his day. normally i love his stories. but i wasn't really listening. i didn't know how to share the news with him. i wasn't sure how he would react....
then, not by my will, i started crying at the dinner table, and i lost my voice. i couldn't say a word. i led your shocked papa to the toilet. i opened the drawer. and i showed him the stick. he looked at it, then looked at me confused, asking "what is this?" gosh he's so stupid! so i had to dig out the packing from the bin and pass it to him. then he started SCREAMING and held me very very tightly in joy. "i cannot believe it's happening so soon! I am gonna be a father and you are gonna be a mother! we are so blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
it was then that i started laughing, and somehow i got my voice back. why did i have to wait? why did i have to avoid? it was all about the reassurance from your papa that WE are going to get to a different stage of life together.
then 365 happy days went by. and you are almost 4 months old now.
feeling very blessed to have your papa and you with me.
lots of love,
mama ak
